Lately I have been living in quiet fear. Everything makes me uncertain and worried. I have this horrible feeling that I am running out of time, and that I need to get everything figured out right now. Most days I just lay in my bed and ignore my responsibilities and panic attacks. It's been pretty tough.The thing is, I know that it's pretty irrational to think that all these thoughts are true, yet my brain can't calm down.
Ever since I was little my plan was: finish high school, go to BYU, get married, have kids.
In my brain there weren't other options to think about. It just made sense, and that's what I knew a lot of girls in Utah did. I also assumed that IF I ever did get a job, I would just become an elementary teacher. Become just like my mom, no questions asked. The stereotype seemed just fine in my book.
As I have grown up, though, I've realized that I am hardly my mother. High school has been way different than I expected. BYU seems like that last place I will attend. Marriage scares me out of my mind. Having kids could potentially be super hard for me with my health issues. Teaching school would probably drive me crazy.
As of now, the thought of applying to colleges makes me want to hide. I have a difficult time even figuring out who I am as a person. I have zero idea what I am doing.
So, if you are in the same boat as me, I have something to tell you.It's actually okay to not have things figured out. I don't have a normal job, I don't have a normal family. No regular personality, no boyfriend, no plan. None of that. None of the things that seem so easily attainable. I don't have those things, but maybe at some point I will slowly figure things out. And I will definitely be alright.
I'm scared of the future. I'm scared to start Senior year. I am scared that I won't be happy. Scared that I am going to get hurt, and even more scared that I will hurt people. But here's the thing!! High school hasn't been what I thought it would be, it's been better! I have learned so much! BYU might not be the school for me, but there are tons of other options! Marriage sounds scary, but whenever that happens, it's going to be so good and right. Having kids could be hard for my body, but there are many more options for me. And I don't need to teach at an elementary, lol.
I have time! I have options! I have friends and family, supportive teachers, and the really cool opportunity to LEARN, and make mistakes so I can start over. This life is meant for learning and growing.
So, I am scared. But I'm also excited. And I'm gonna be okay, and so are you.
Ever since I was little my plan was: finish high school, go to BYU, get married, have kids.
In my brain there weren't other options to think about. It just made sense, and that's what I knew a lot of girls in Utah did. I also assumed that IF I ever did get a job, I would just become an elementary teacher. Become just like my mom, no questions asked. The stereotype seemed just fine in my book.
As I have grown up, though, I've realized that I am hardly my mother. High school has been way different than I expected. BYU seems like that last place I will attend. Marriage scares me out of my mind. Having kids could potentially be super hard for me with my health issues. Teaching school would probably drive me crazy.
As of now, the thought of applying to colleges makes me want to hide. I have a difficult time even figuring out who I am as a person. I have zero idea what I am doing.
So, if you are in the same boat as me, I have something to tell you.It's actually okay to not have things figured out. I don't have a normal job, I don't have a normal family. No regular personality, no boyfriend, no plan. None of that. None of the things that seem so easily attainable. I don't have those things, but maybe at some point I will slowly figure things out. And I will definitely be alright.
I'm scared of the future. I'm scared to start Senior year. I am scared that I won't be happy. Scared that I am going to get hurt, and even more scared that I will hurt people. But here's the thing!! High school hasn't been what I thought it would be, it's been better! I have learned so much! BYU might not be the school for me, but there are tons of other options! Marriage sounds scary, but whenever that happens, it's going to be so good and right. Having kids could be hard for my body, but there are many more options for me. And I don't need to teach at an elementary, lol.
I have time! I have options! I have friends and family, supportive teachers, and the really cool opportunity to LEARN, and make mistakes so I can start over. This life is meant for learning and growing.
So, I am scared. But I'm also excited. And I'm gonna be okay, and so are you.
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