First off, I can't believe that I'm finally writing this post. I've been counting down the months leading up to today. I had planned to write a very inspiring blog post about how the day my life changed taught me many lessons and such, but as I sat down to write I realized that I have no clue what to say.
Let me back up 4 years.
In sixth grade I would stay home frequently from stomach aches. I never knew why, and it was very frustrating. My stomach always felt uncomfortable. I would get random stomach cramps that would prevent me from moving. Eventually, my mom decided that I needed medical help. We thought it was appendicitis or ulcers, but nothing made sense.
After many weird and slightly embarrassing/traumatizing tests, I went in for an ultrasound at the hospital. I was very embarrassed about it. I only told a few people about it, because in my 12 year old brain having an ultrasound was not a good thing. That day I was told that I just needed to drink more water to help me digest, and that was that.
Flash forward to eighth and ninth grade. I was part of several musicals, and with rehearsals after school I usually didn't have time to eat until I got home later in the evening. My stomach would hurt the minute I would start eating, so I would cry until it stopped hurting and then finish eating. I assumed it was just normal, something I just had to deal with. But as my Freshman year continued, the pain got a lot worse, and would hurt for the majority of the day. The moment I realized that something was really wrong was when I asked my friend, "Isn't it weird how we're always aware of how our stomach feels? Like how it hurts subtly, but all the time?" and she gave me the strangest look and told me that that was not a normal thing, that regular people didn't feel that.
Flash forward a few more months, I made a list of all my weird symptoms and tried to piece it together. (I actually figured out that I had IBS, but wasn't positive. Thanks WebMD lol.) We had blood tests done, but nothing showed up. So on May 4th, 2015, I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
And then my whole life shifted. Having food restrictions is hard, and I knew if was going to be difficult, but I don't think people realize how much it really affects me. I eat at least three times a day, and I have to make sure that there will actually be food for me to eat. This school year I've had to pack a gluten free/dairy free lunch every single day. I have to make sure I eat frequently so that I don't start shaking and feel faint. I have to eat to control my mood. I have to stick to my "diet" or I will get depressed. It's hard to manage.
It's a very confusing disorder. It is hard and sometimes embarrassing to explain. I feel bad when I have to turn down food that someone has made. I feel bad going on dates and having to let people know that I can't eat the food. It's hard bringing my own food on trips. Its sad to be the only person who can't enjoy a treat. It's really difficult just controlling myself, deciding whether I care or not how much pain I will feel. But mostly it's just hard to accept that I have limitations that other people don't have to live with.
Yes, I would like to go back in time to that ultrasound and tell the doctors that there was more to my stomach pains. Yes, I would like to go back to before my stress kicked my gastrointestinal disorder into high gear and tell myself to chill. But I wouldn't erase this past year. Because even though I sometimes hate how my body functions, it's ultimately made me the person I am today.
So maybe the point of this post is to say that things are hard, and I didn't expect them to be easy. But in the end, (even on the really bad days where everyone is eating a doughnut and I just want to scream) things are okay. I might not be
completely happy with my situation, but I'm happy with myself. And I've proved to myself that I have self control. And I'm grateful for my pesky disorder.
So, Happy One Year Anniversary to my closest acquaintance, (literally, 24/7) IBS. Love you buddy.
Comments
Post a Comment